The Step-By-Step Guide to Supporting Someone Through an Illness

You never really think it will happen to someone you love - until someone you love gets very sick. 

Supporting a loved one through an illness, whether a spouse, a parent, or a friend, can be incredibly time-consuming or even just emotionally challenging. You might be worried about “saying the wrong thing” or you might feel powerless, unsure of what, if anything, you can do to help.

Whether you’re loved one is going through cancer treatment, staying in the ICU, or recovering from a chronic fatigue crash, offering practical and emotional support throughout their illness can not only help them to recovery physically and mentally, but your support can also strengthen your relationship to that person and be incredibly fulfilling on a personal level to the caretaker (with proper community supports in place).

With the right tools, supporting a loved one can feel incredibly rewarding for both your loved one and for you. Keep reading for “What to Give a Loved One When They’re Ill”, “Do’s and Don’ts to Say”, “Sample Texts to Support a Sick Loved One”, and, lastly “Caring for the Caretaker”.

What to Give a Loved One When They’re Ill

As a therapist specializing in medical trauma and chronic health issues, I often get asked “What can I give to my (friend, uncle, etc) who is very sick at this time?”. It’s typically best practice to ask your loved one “How can I best support you at this time?” (Versus “Do you need my support?” - a close-ended question that can be answered with “yes” or “no” - asking and open ended question like “How can I support you?”sends the message that you are supporting them no matter what). Listed below are things you can give your loved one when they are struggling with an illness or after a traumatic medical event.

Your time and attention

Often after a friend or family member goes through a medical crisis, you can feel panic at the thought of saying the “wrong thing”. However, we know from the research that people often need both time to heal and time spent speaking with trusted support systems - and these two coping tools might be two of the most impactful resources you can provide. Truly, lending a listening ear and your full, uninterrupted attention towards your loved one can be impactful in their psychological healing. Even if you’re not able to be there in person, a quick text of “Thinking of you today” or a phone call or video chat can go a long way (keep reading for example texts you can send a sick loved one for support).

Entertainment subscriptions

Often when at the hospital or even when recovering at home, you might be surprised how boring recovery can be. It’s often long hours of feeling unwell, physically tired, or even exhausted from feeling scared. One thing you can gift this person to help distract them from their pain and boredom can be a subscription to an entertainment option. This might look like buying them a gift card to use on an audiobook or download a new book on their Kindle. It can also look like buying them a subscription to Netflix or Hulu (or any number of television subscription services). They might also prefer a paid subscription to their favorite Substack author, podcast, or digital newspaper or magazine (such as the New York Times or The Atlantic just to name two). The great thing about sending an entertainment subscription is you can send it via text or email as a gift meaning you don’t have to be physically in the same place as your loved one to support them.

Restaurant and grocery gift cards

For those of you who have gone through a long hospital stay, you know that the food might not always be to your liking or you might have visitors that can’t leave easily to get their own food. Gift cards for food is a practical much-appreciated gift that can come in use during or after the medical crisis. Try to choose restaurants or fast food places that are nearby this person’s hospital or home and can accommodate this person’s dietary needs, especially as their diet needs may change after an illness (i.e. ensuring the restaurant has low or no-sugar options for someone diagnosed with diabetes type 2). Groceries can also be a helpful gift, especially if you can have groceries delivered, during the recovery process as the person may not have the energy or supports to go grocery shopping.

Help with home maintenance or pet sitting

When someone experiences a medical crisis, it can be difficult or even impossible for them to take care of regular household tasks or to coordinate pet care if they are hospitalized. Stopping by their home or even offering to house or stay with their pets can be a huge source of relief for this person (and the pet!). Regular household maintenance might go by the wayside during recovery. Offering cleaning services, whether you do it yourself, organize a group, or pay for professional cleaning services, can also ensure the person is recovering in a clean, hygienic, and safe environment, not to mention the emotional wellbeing that comes with being in a clean space.

Meal preparation / cooking

You can also help cook for your loved one (one great thing about southern and midwestern casserole culture) or organize a meal train to support this person where people can schedule days to bring food - I like and have used the free website www.mealtrain.com to organize meal trains. If you are far away, you can also choose many companies through which to send pre-prepared packaged food thats accessible and easy to prepare. This is especially important following a medical issue where the person may have difficulty standing for long periods required to cook or may not have the mental capacity or executive functioning to follow the steps of a recipe and organize ingredients. Again, try to choose a company that can accommodate any new dietary changes that might occur after a specific illness.

Healthcare logistical support

With illness often comes huge logistical hurdles such as navigating large hospital systems, ensuring healthcare coverage for treatment and challenging insurance denials, applying for short-term or long-term disability, or coordinating childcare, elder care, or pet care. By offering logistical support through phone calls or assisting with gathering documentation for a medical social worker or Human Resources representative (with this person’s documented permission), you remove a huge part of the mental load of dealing with an illness for this person.

Cash

It’s no secret that medial care in America is expensive with some spending up to 27% of their annual income on cancer treatment. Even with adequate healthcare coverage, proper recovery time might mean the person misses work and income. There’s also the added expenses of a medical crisis beyond medical expenses such as grocery delivery, hiring others to help with household tasks, therapy for potential medical trauma, and many more. If it is possible for you and appropriate for the relationship, sometimes giving cash or organizing fundraising is the most practical way to assist with large medical bills or added expenses that come with a major illness.

Dos and Don’ts to say

While this is not an exhaustive list of what to say or what not to say to a sick loved one, this list can be a helpful place to start a conversation with a loved one on how they would like to be supported. It’s important to remember that each person is unique and what one person might not find helpful, or even hurtful, another sick loved one would find helpful or up lifting.

Do Say:

“Would you like to talk about your illness or would you like to talk about something else?”

Sometimes people appreciate being given the space to talk about their illness and their fears. Sometimes they may prefer a distraction from that fear. You help them feel empowered by asking them their preference and needs.

“It sounds like you’re feeling ____. That makes sense for what you’ve been through”

Validate their emotions. Even if you can’t offer a “solution” to their fear or pain, validating can help people feel heard and cared for. They can also practice self-compassion and begin validating their own feelings throughout the medical experience.

Don’t Say:

“Look for the silver lining. At least ____”

While you may think this phrase might help the person start thinking positively about the situation, it can come across as dismissive of their medical trauma.

“I know exactly what you’re going through, my (uncle, sister, etc) went through this”

Avoid making absolute assumptions about how they feel or their own unique medical experiences. You can try “My uncle went through a similar medical issue. Would you like for me to share that experience with you?”

“You’re so strong”

This language suggests that them being “weak” through a scary medical experience might be unacceptable or unwanted.

Sample Texts You Can Send to Support:

“You have me for 3 hours tomorrow between 1pm and 4pm. I can wash the car, do the dishes, and/or go pick up your medicine? Or if there is another task you would like me to complete in this time, please let me know”

“I remember last time we talked you said you were bored while recovering at home. Could I come drop off some magazines tomorrow at 4pm? I would love to visit for 30 minutes if you had the energy. If not, no worries, I will leave the magazines at the front door”.

“Thinking of you today. How have you been doing, really?”

Last Note: Caring for the Caretaker

It’s important to remember that caretaking for a sick loved one takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. Walking alongside someone during a medical crisis can result in vicarious medical trauma, compassion fatigue, and caregiver burnout. When doing the intense act of caretaking, it’s vital for you to care for yourself.

Caretaking for yourself as a caretaker can look like:

Seeking out social supports for yourself - whether through individual therapy, group therapy, or other forms of formal and informal social supports, it is essential for you to have a place to where your fears and frustrations can be heard and validated.

Taking time away from caretaking - In some cultures, or especially for people who are socialized as women, caretaking to exhaustion can be seen as a positive characteristic. However, we know that caretaking without supports and without breaks is unsustainable. Seek out additional family or community supports to give yourself time away from caretaking. If you are the main caretaker, you can also speak to a social worker either at the hospital or with a community organization about community supports to assist with transportation, grocery shopping, and other care tasks.

Practicing self-care - Self-care can refer to a number of tasks or steps you can take to ensure you are feeling your best or to recover better and faster after a long day or week of caretaking. Self-care looks different for every person, and can include taking a walk, taking a bath or shower, napping, listening to music, and so much more. I encourage my clients to break up self-care tasks (especially if they are chronically ill themselves) into “low energy self care” and “high energy self care”. Then you can choose their self-care activity based on their energy levels that day. You might choose to go for a jog or you might choose to read a book based on your energy for that day - while still being able to care for yourself.

What if YOU’RE the sick loved one?

If you’re recovering after a scary medical event or a chronic illness flare up, or you’re even preparing for a procedure or medical intervention, you might be wondering how you can get support from others. Remember, there is no need to feel “ashamed” about asking for help and you are not a “burden” to others for asking for help. Their response to you says more about them and how we’re taught (or not taught) to help others with medical issues or those who are disabled.

It might be helpful to share this article with them to jumpstart a discussion on how you would like to be supported (or let the article do most of the talking if you do not have the energy to do the emotional labor of laying out the type of care you need).

You might send this article along with the text “Hey! You’re a super important person in my life and as I’m (preparing for surgery, recovering from X, etc), I wanted to check in with your availability in supporting me by (grocery shopping, preparing food, checking in with me etc)? I’d love to have your continued support in my life especially as I prepare for these changes”.

Be sure to also check out “7 Coping Tools for Medical Anxiety” for applicable, practical tools to help you manage your anxiety no matter what medical appointments to have to attend.